Helaman’s Army

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My three-year-old niece may have had her first experience with exclusion about a month ago. She was at a function for my brother-in-law’s dad’s Birthday celebration.  A group of siblings who are the children of my brother-in-law’s cousin  were playing 3 Ninjas. The middle child made it known that Brooke was not welcome.  “She’s not hurting anything; she’s just sitting here,” said my mom in an explanatory manner. Only a few weeks earlier this boy who I think is around eight had played nicely with Brooke at my brother-in-law’s parent’s home. And Brooke was so happy about this that she said something about him playing with her or talking with her. Now the stakes were different. The child may have been demonstrating the poor side of leadership ability. He has quite a personality according to my sister and when he leaves a park the parents and children all say good-bye to him. That is quite a presence! I know that around eight is the age of secret clubs and exclusion. He said that the Ninjas were all related. My mom said that Brooke was Brian(my brother-in-law) and Becky’s niece. He seemed to take it in. Brooke didn’t seem to be upset by all of this as far as my mom could tell. Having Grandma with her may have made it a “safe place.”

Grandmas can be such a safe place and can help keep harmony with the children. I remember hearing that my own grandma was heart sick when my cousins were not getting along during a visit. They were from two different families. My family was neutral territory and got along with both. When grown, my second oldest cousin would confess how she often picked on another cousin. I don’t think she let it known that she knew the real reason for grandma being upset. I just remember someone saying that we needed to pick up the downstairs and I think we all pitched in as we heard Grandma was sad. I think I learned from my mom later that Grandma was upset about fighting.

Teachers also can create that safe place. A guest speaker at one of my University classes for people studying Special Education said that children really are welcoming if you prepare them in the right way. She said with the proper training that a Prehistoric Reptile could sit at the desk of the children and that they would be comfortable. Her experience with mainstreaming had been that positive.  Children can be very catty and say mean things about those who are different in looks or even has a funny name. Children can also be very teachable. They have limited experience and I think that makes them so open to adults.  Props to all the Grandmas, teachers, and caregivers etc who make it a safer place for children to make friends.

We have probably all heard the importance of first impressions. We have also been told “not to judge a book by its cover.”

And yet, it can be so refreshing when we meet someone who is not as they seem at first.

My first two semesters of College, I took Spanish. I don’t remember if Deb(name changed) was in my first or second semester class. I formed bonds with classmates in this class that was not typical of a lot of courses at a large University. The class size was smaller and being a five credit course, we met five days a week.  There was one person in the class who did not blend as well. Once she was going on the elevator and somebody said something questioning whether she would tell us if she heard class were canceled. I am not sure if it was then or later that I made a statement that was basically saying that she may be cool. As time went on, we came to know her more. She was someone who could get a job based on winning over the interviewer but not keep a job. She was very interesting. She wrote poetry. I don’t think I had written down any poems at this point. As time went on, I think she gained the respect of other classmates.

At Church, I met a woman who seemed so stern and proper in front of Church leading music each Sunday. While I had already had experience with my friend from Spanish, I think that I expected her to be very reserved and formal in person. As she lived near me, it was arranged for me to car pool with her and often her husband. I learned that she had a sense of humor. One time she told me that she was listening to classical music and driving in a neighborhood rather erratically only to be pulled over by a police officer. The officer knew her, if I recollect correctly and was embarrassed as things were not as they seemed. This friend and her husband had been converts to the Church many years before. Her husband had important callings in the Stake.

This sister was my first visiting teacher upon my return home from my mission. I recall how misty her eyes were when we visited a sister in a nursing home who could not communicate due to a stroke. As the impaired sister tried to form an audible word, it seemed almost too much for my companion. I do not know if she knew this woman when she was well. The sister we were visiting had been one of the Pioneer members in my area so they probably did have a history.

My visiting teaching companion had some tragedies strike her daughter’s family. Her grandson was in a nursing home and I think in a vegetative stake. She said that God had a purpose for him. She also lost a granddaughter to suicide and seemed to be at peace that she was in a better place.

When I started struggling with a condition, her concern for me was hard to take. It was the type of care that a parent or grandparent has. Of course, I want people to care. I just did not want her to feel so close to my problems. She said that they would color every part of my life if they were not brought under control. Her words probably were already so true. Years have come and gone and she has passed away. And I would hope that she would see that I am in a much happier place now.

Once I was with her in what I think was an impromptu visit to a married couple who I think were mildly mentally retarded. They were a nice couple, but the husband had a very strong personality. The sister had such determination and would read the scriptures that were cross referenced from what I was told by another sister, which considering her intellectual impairment was quite an inspiration. I think the sister had been sick but I do not believe they were in our ward. My friend from Church seemed as comfortable with them and their eccentric ways as everybody. I recall her also taking a sister with mental illness and a very flat personality from time to time. I do not recall her ever making an unkind remark about either.

But what I remember often about my friend is the words of another friend who she and her husband had employed to do yard work. She said that she was surprised that she laughed from the belly.