Helaman’s Army

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I felt a surge of emotion that did not usually accompany me when I addressed the brothers and sisters in my Young Single Adult Sunday School and bore testimony of the need to reach out to less actives. I was also emotional thinking of a convert who had become activated. I knew she was so special as my calling brought me in contact with her. Though she was not attending Church actively when I first started calling her, she would read the Book of Mormon at work. That was such an example to me as I thought it meant that she was open. I was more shy about such things in public. After we took her to a Fireside, she became very active and there were some sisters that became very close to her and socialized a lot.

How could I convey to the brothers and sisters who had always known the Gospel how very badly people needed what we had? I looked out at those who I perceived to have come from good homes.  I think that the majority were here for Dental School and one for Medical School. There were local people here as well. I knew what I knew from the contrast in my life. I did have a faith from my youth that I treasured. I knew that the Restored Gospel had brought me such peace and closeness with God to a degree that I never experienced in the faith of my youth.  Those were blessed days for me in my relationship to Heavenly Father.

I do now believe that members can know how much they have been blessed even if they have not had the contrast in their own life.  I hope that I am getting the following correct as the mind can sometimes splice events together or confuse person and place.

There was an Elder in my mission who was very respected. Somebody posed a question to him as to whether he had been Spiritual prior to his mission. From his comments, I think that he had been blessed with God with the ability to be very spiritual but that he opted to live a more normal life and not be true to his gifts. He said on his mission that he realized how very much people needed the Gospel.

In my Institute class, there was a young man who I think at first thought it was presumptive or being a bother sharing the Gospel as a missionary. He too would have the awakening that people really need the Gospel.

I know life members can have their own conversion experiences.  And they can have trials as well. One of my missionary companions had nightmare experiences prior to her mission that I do not know if I could survive. She was very blessed with testimony.  I think that she said that she felt like she brought her testimony from heaven with her into this life. In speaking of those who are not members of the Church who have the Light of Christ and the blessings that can come from the Light of Christ, she said that they did not know what they were missing compared to the Gift of the Holy Ghost.

I can try to use all the words to teach about the blessings and not properly convey how very much the world needs the Gospel.  My heart has been so touched and my cup has run over with the joy that I have known since being baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My over-zealous friend who shared the Gospel with me later shared that he felt prompted that I needed the Gospel. I wasn’t even looking and didn’t even know what the Restored Gospel was even on a limited scale. He knew what the Gospel meant to him and he shared despite initial rejection on my part. I am so grateful for member missionaries and full-time missionaries. I give thanks for the Priesthood and those who are worthy Priesthood holders. I do know that I have been blessed.

One of the assignments in a high school religion class was to look at how your image of God has changed through the years. I have reflected on this in recent days and have tried to answer this question probably more fully than I did even in the years leading up to my original writing in high school while realizing the changes that have come to me in the years since my original writing.

I start now at the same place that I think I started in my assignment. I was a child and I think in First Grade. I was seated on the floor with my class while a Priest spoke with us. This was a rare visit. The Priest taught us that even if we were all alone and thought nobody knew what we were doing that God knew. I remember listening pretty intently and that the words had some effect on me and my earliest views of God as someone who knows everything. There are no secrets from God.

My belief in God in my grade school years revolved around God being the giver of what I wanted. I wanted him to perform a miracle to do my Math homework when I forgot my book and tried to bargain with him with such things as making my bed. The homework was undone by the sentence seemed light compared to what I feared. I hate to think of seeing God in the same light as Santa Claus. But in some ways that may have been my view. I recall once even praying to God to let Santa know what I wanted to Christmas.

In around fourth and fifth, I would rattle of the most shallow and short prayer. There was no foreshadowing of someone who would be spiritual in later years. In not so many words, I was basically asking to have good enough vision not to need glasses and to remain a child. I realize how worried my parents would have been if I were frozen in time in childhood as was my heart’s desire. I don’t recall praying for another during this period. It was all about me and not growing up. There was no real relationship with God. I didn’t even invite his help in other areas of my help nor do I think I was cable of that broad of thinking yet.

At my school, we would sometimes have a time when we could say confessions to a Priest. I remember praying on such a day in my youth with child-like faith in Church for my Grandma who had severe rheumotoid arthritius. Shortly afterwards, I learned that she was going to have a new treatment and I felt it was answers to my prayers. Later, I think I prayed for her again at Church during the time waiting or after seeing the Priest and shortly afterwards found out that the treatments that I think were not good were ended and I think I took this as an answer to prayer.

In high school, I was a rather troubled youth. Angst seems to have been coined for the very feelings of my youth. While I was not a wild child, I did have huge regrets regarding how I treated my mother. I felt like I was a monster. I don’t remember what I prayed about too much but I think wanting God to let me die was at the top of my list. Oh, I had depression too. There were a couple of times that I remember feeling good when praying. I did not know yet about the influence of the Holy Spirit. I felt a peace and knowing that God loved me who knew everything helped me. I still was just as troubled on a day to bases. Yet, I knew there were no secrets with God. He knew my every mistake. He still loved me.

After I became LDS, I conceptualized God as looking like Jesus. This was a little hard to get used to. The Doctrine that I lived with God before I was born and that he is the Father of my Spirit really made me feel more close to God. After receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt so blessed and so much peace. I felt so very loved. I would also learn that faith allowed me to do things that were contrary to my shy nature. I did not know faith could bring about change before and of the assistance and strength God could give to us.

Later, I would go through emotionally a lot of trials. I felt that I followed what God wanted me to do and it was so hard. It was the hardest thing in my life. And I felt so prepared to do what he wanted me to do. I viewed God as a tester. And I was so shaken up. I was afraid to ask for guidance as I didn’t want to be put to the test.

Now I see again the many ways God has blessed me. And he has brought me out of that darkness. I think I have regained feelings of friendship that I had towards God during my early years of being LDS at least to some degree.

I have also had to catch myself at times and realize that as wonderful as it is to have a relationship with God that He is really infinite and perfect. I read a good book on Catholic theology that spoke of how infinite God is recently. I felt such peace in my prayer that night. Knowing that God is so much more than I can comprehend gave me such feelings of reverence. The feelings of faith described in the book are much as I have experienced through the years starting when I was Catholic and continuing as an LDS person. God has been the same all along and has reached me at times through the years and guided me. At times, I feel God has guided me in spite of the many roadblocks that I create.

God is infinite. And being perfect and more than the smartest and wisest person on Earth, God still allows me to approach him as my Heavenly Father. I have heard of people that are so intelligent that they can’t relate to the common man. God can relate to me when I am simple and also when I think I am much more mature and contemplative. I think I need to learn more of my limits and how much of what I am is due to God allowing me to reach this point and carrying me. God is personal.

I struggle with it. I have that problem where I’m not sure if it’s the Holy Ghost, or me saying something to me. But generally I can feel the right thing.

This past week, has been no exception, except for the fact it had to do with one of the biggest and hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Yes I consider knowing my wife was the right one for me [to marry] a big one too - but this one will effect me just about as much.

It was for a job. It doesn’t seem like much, but let me put it in perspective. I travel about 110 miles a day to work and back. I am out of my house 12 hours a day. I make just enough, but with gas prices climbing it’s getting harder and harder to stretch the money. To top things off, my health insurance is more like catastrophic coverage, so we don’t go to the doctor unless it’s an absolute emergency. No, I’m not trying to get your sympathy - I’m just giving out a bit of personal information.

Then a job literally falls into my lap. It’s more money, it’s less then a mile from home, it’s free insurance, better hours, more time off, just all around better. I would have to say that it is the most dreamy job anyone could want.

I can’t recall doing it before for any other job, they always seemed to just happen and I went with them, we’ve been blessed that they’ve been good enough jobs for the most part. But lately as we’ve grow stronger in our knowledge and love for the gospel we’ve leaned on it more and more. So we fasted and prayed about it.

I got a good feeling about it, but never really felt confident about my answer and swayed to optimistic side of thinking that this was perfect and a blessing for our family since we had been fasting and praying for a better job. My wife on the other wasn’t so lucky. She came to me in tears and told me that I shouldn’t take the job, but I stuck to my guns and said I was taking it - I couldn’t pass this up, plus I had told the person I would accept it. For a couple of days, there was nothing but a tense air about the house and my feelings were changing, but not very well. I was still on the fence, I could go either way, both thoughts felt good. I could take it and I felt good, or I give it up, and I felt good.

Then we talked it out (me and my wife). There have been only a handful of times in my life where I’ve felt so calm before, but as my wife cried her feelings out I tried to comfort her and what I said wasn’t what I thought I would say.

I said that I would let the job go, that even though this is a dream job, this isn’t the right path to go down. There’s something else for us whether it be be good or bad it’ll be alright. We’ve always been alright and the Lord will take care of us.

What I didn’t say was how much of weight was lifted off my shoulders as soon as I said it, and frankly as I write this I haven’t really thought of it that much. Before I was constantly thinking about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was making me sick that I wasn’t getting an answer and that my wife had. I really haven’t even thought about what I’ve given up, even on my long commute - I’m still happy.

While I never really did get a direct answer, I did get an answer. It didn’t come how I wanted it too, it came nonetheless. It was just a very quiet one, the volume knob must have been turned way down. I may never know why I shouldn’t have taken this job, but it doesn’t matter…

I was reading a post over at Small & Simple and ended up with some of my own questions about the different Kingdoms of Heaven and Perdition.

1. Can anyone be a “Son of Perdition”?

I haven’t found anything concrete about this, but reading the definitions makes it out as if anyone could be one. So why the question? Well I know not every Mormon gets into this mode of thinking, but if we’re taught we are the only church teaching the truth, how could anyone come to a “personal witness of Him [Jesus Christ] from the Holy Ghost” ¹, except someone who is actually taught the truth about him.

What are your thoughts on this?

2. A Testimony of Jesus Christ

One of the requirements to enter into the Celestial Kingdom is to have “received the testimony of Jesus”². But exactly what kind of testimony is this? We all tend to bear our testimony with a piece that states “Jesus is our Savior”, and for the card carriers, we admit to having a testimony of Jesus Christ. But is this the same kind of testimony that if once we say we do, then deny it have made ourselves a son or daughter of perdition?

I always thought (and was probably taught some where down the road) that heaven would have to be opened to you, you would have to have a perfect knowledge or understanding of Jesus Christ³.

I believe the answer is held in part in [D&C 76:10], “For by my ^aSpirit will I ^benlighten them, and by my ^cpower will I make known unto them the ^dsecrets of my ^ewill—yea, even those things which ^feye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor yet entered into the heart of man”. Which seems to be more then just the basic testimony.

But…(don’t you love it)

The Iron Rod asked the same question, and came up with a different idea on this subject, one which takes from the King Follett sermon.

All sins shall be forgiven, except the sin against the Holy Ghost; for Jesus will save all except the sons of perdition. What must a man do to commit the unpardonable sin? He must receive the Holy Ghost, have the heavens opened unto him, and know God, and then sin against him. After a man has sinned against the Holy Ghost, there is no repentance for him. He has got to say that the sun does not shine while he sees it; he has got to deny Jesus Christ when the heavens have been opened unto him, and to deny the plan of salvation with his eyes open to the truth of it; and from that time he begins to be an enemy. This is the case with many apostates of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints⁴.

[emphasis added]

I guess that does change it, I knew I remembered something else from a Gospel Doctrine class a few years back, and that’s why I use the term Sons and Daughters or Perdition. So it looks like it’s very possible for anyone of us to become one, which is a sobering thought.

What are your thoughts?

3. Are the Kingdoms more personal then grouping everyone into 3?

This question relies heavily on [John 14:2], ” In my Father’s ^ahouse are many ^bmansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” [empahsis added] and [1 Cor 15:41], ” There is one glory of the ^asun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the ^bstars: for one star ^cdiffereth from another star in ^dglory.” [emphasis added]. Also by reading [D&C 131:1-4] you find that there are 3 degrees within the Celestial kingdom.

I think this goes a long way in showing exactly how much Heavenly Father loves us and wants us all to return to him. I also know as nice as it sounds, it’s also hard. I can sit here and say anything I want and make it look like I’m a perfect little angel, but that’s not the case. God understands this and Jesus takes the cases one by one.

See this is yet another one of those connected reasons I love. In Fatherhood (Parenthood), you can see the process on a lower level. I have 3 kids, and each one is different. They respond differently to punishments, love, and fun. I cannot (even though I do sometimes) use the same reasoning on each one. One of my children obeys very well, one does not, and one sort of does. Like how each one of us will be “will be judged according to our works, according to the desire of our hearts “[D&C 137:7–9].

What is your take on this?