Helaman’s Army

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting! If you'd like to write for Helaman's Army, please use the contact form and let us know!

I felt a surge of emotion that did not usually accompany me when I addressed the brothers and sisters in my Young Single Adult Sunday School and bore testimony of the need to reach out to less actives. I was also emotional thinking of a convert who had become activated. I knew she was so special as my calling brought me in contact with her. Though she was not attending Church actively when I first started calling her, she would read the Book of Mormon at work. That was such an example to me as I thought it meant that she was open. I was more shy about such things in public. After we took her to a Fireside, she became very active and there were some sisters that became very close to her and socialized a lot.

How could I convey to the brothers and sisters who had always known the Gospel how very badly people needed what we had? I looked out at those who I perceived to have come from good homes.  I think that the majority were here for Dental School and one for Medical School. There were local people here as well. I knew what I knew from the contrast in my life. I did have a faith from my youth that I treasured. I knew that the Restored Gospel had brought me such peace and closeness with God to a degree that I never experienced in the faith of my youth.  Those were blessed days for me in my relationship to Heavenly Father.

I do now believe that members can know how much they have been blessed even if they have not had the contrast in their own life.  I hope that I am getting the following correct as the mind can sometimes splice events together or confuse person and place.

There was an Elder in my mission who was very respected. Somebody posed a question to him as to whether he had been Spiritual prior to his mission. From his comments, I think that he had been blessed with God with the ability to be very spiritual but that he opted to live a more normal life and not be true to his gifts. He said on his mission that he realized how very much people needed the Gospel.

In my Institute class, there was a young man who I think at first thought it was presumptive or being a bother sharing the Gospel as a missionary. He too would have the awakening that people really need the Gospel.

I know life members can have their own conversion experiences.  And they can have trials as well. One of my missionary companions had nightmare experiences prior to her mission that I do not know if I could survive. She was very blessed with testimony.  I think that she said that she felt like she brought her testimony from heaven with her into this life. In speaking of those who are not members of the Church who have the Light of Christ and the blessings that can come from the Light of Christ, she said that they did not know what they were missing compared to the Gift of the Holy Ghost.

I can try to use all the words to teach about the blessings and not properly convey how very much the world needs the Gospel.  My heart has been so touched and my cup has run over with the joy that I have known since being baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My over-zealous friend who shared the Gospel with me later shared that he felt prompted that I needed the Gospel. I wasn’t even looking and didn’t even know what the Restored Gospel was even on a limited scale. He knew what the Gospel meant to him and he shared despite initial rejection on my part. I am so grateful for member missionaries and full-time missionaries. I give thanks for the Priesthood and those who are worthy Priesthood holders. I do know that I have been blessed.

One of the assignments in a high school religion class was to look at how your image of God has changed through the years. I have reflected on this in recent days and have tried to answer this question probably more fully than I did even in the years leading up to my original writing in high school while realizing the changes that have come to me in the years since my original writing.

I start now at the same place that I think I started in my assignment. I was a child and I think in First Grade. I was seated on the floor with my class while a Priest spoke with us. This was a rare visit. The Priest taught us that even if we were all alone and thought nobody knew what we were doing that God knew. I remember listening pretty intently and that the words had some effect on me and my earliest views of God as someone who knows everything. There are no secrets from God.

My belief in God in my grade school years revolved around God being the giver of what I wanted. I wanted him to perform a miracle to do my Math homework when I forgot my book and tried to bargain with him with such things as making my bed. The homework was undone by the sentence seemed light compared to what I feared. I hate to think of seeing God in the same light as Santa Claus. But in some ways that may have been my view. I recall once even praying to God to let Santa know what I wanted to Christmas.

In around fourth and fifth, I would rattle of the most shallow and short prayer. There was no foreshadowing of someone who would be spiritual in later years. In not so many words, I was basically asking to have good enough vision not to need glasses and to remain a child. I realize how worried my parents would have been if I were frozen in time in childhood as was my heart’s desire. I don’t recall praying for another during this period. It was all about me and not growing up. There was no real relationship with God. I didn’t even invite his help in other areas of my help nor do I think I was cable of that broad of thinking yet.

At my school, we would sometimes have a time when we could say confessions to a Priest. I remember praying on such a day in my youth with child-like faith in Church for my Grandma who had severe rheumotoid arthritius. Shortly afterwards, I learned that she was going to have a new treatment and I felt it was answers to my prayers. Later, I think I prayed for her again at Church during the time waiting or after seeing the Priest and shortly afterwards found out that the treatments that I think were not good were ended and I think I took this as an answer to prayer.

In high school, I was a rather troubled youth. Angst seems to have been coined for the very feelings of my youth. While I was not a wild child, I did have huge regrets regarding how I treated my mother. I felt like I was a monster. I don’t remember what I prayed about too much but I think wanting God to let me die was at the top of my list. Oh, I had depression too. There were a couple of times that I remember feeling good when praying. I did not know yet about the influence of the Holy Spirit. I felt a peace and knowing that God loved me who knew everything helped me. I still was just as troubled on a day to bases. Yet, I knew there were no secrets with God. He knew my every mistake. He still loved me.

After I became LDS, I conceptualized God as looking like Jesus. This was a little hard to get used to. The Doctrine that I lived with God before I was born and that he is the Father of my Spirit really made me feel more close to God. After receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt so blessed and so much peace. I felt so very loved. I would also learn that faith allowed me to do things that were contrary to my shy nature. I did not know faith could bring about change before and of the assistance and strength God could give to us.

Later, I would go through emotionally a lot of trials. I felt that I followed what God wanted me to do and it was so hard. It was the hardest thing in my life. And I felt so prepared to do what he wanted me to do. I viewed God as a tester. And I was so shaken up. I was afraid to ask for guidance as I didn’t want to be put to the test.

Now I see again the many ways God has blessed me. And he has brought me out of that darkness. I think I have regained feelings of friendship that I had towards God during my early years of being LDS at least to some degree.

I have also had to catch myself at times and realize that as wonderful as it is to have a relationship with God that He is really infinite and perfect. I read a good book on Catholic theology that spoke of how infinite God is recently. I felt such peace in my prayer that night. Knowing that God is so much more than I can comprehend gave me such feelings of reverence. The feelings of faith described in the book are much as I have experienced through the years starting when I was Catholic and continuing as an LDS person. God has been the same all along and has reached me at times through the years and guided me. At times, I feel God has guided me in spite of the many roadblocks that I create.

God is infinite. And being perfect and more than the smartest and wisest person on Earth, God still allows me to approach him as my Heavenly Father. I have heard of people that are so intelligent that they can’t relate to the common man. God can relate to me when I am simple and also when I think I am much more mature and contemplative. I think I need to learn more of my limits and how much of what I am is due to God allowing me to reach this point and carrying me. God is personal.