Helaman’s Army

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I struggle with it. I have that problem where I’m not sure if it’s the Holy Ghost, or me saying something to me. But generally I can feel the right thing.

This past week, has been no exception, except for the fact it had to do with one of the biggest and hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Yes I consider knowing my wife was the right one for me [to marry] a big one too - but this one will effect me just about as much.

It was for a job. It doesn’t seem like much, but let me put it in perspective. I travel about 110 miles a day to work and back. I am out of my house 12 hours a day. I make just enough, but with gas prices climbing it’s getting harder and harder to stretch the money. To top things off, my health insurance is more like catastrophic coverage, so we don’t go to the doctor unless it’s an absolute emergency. No, I’m not trying to get your sympathy - I’m just giving out a bit of personal information.

Then a job literally falls into my lap. It’s more money, it’s less then a mile from home, it’s free insurance, better hours, more time off, just all around better. I would have to say that it is the most dreamy job anyone could want.

I can’t recall doing it before for any other job, they always seemed to just happen and I went with them, we’ve been blessed that they’ve been good enough jobs for the most part. But lately as we’ve grow stronger in our knowledge and love for the gospel we’ve leaned on it more and more. So we fasted and prayed about it.

I got a good feeling about it, but never really felt confident about my answer and swayed to optimistic side of thinking that this was perfect and a blessing for our family since we had been fasting and praying for a better job. My wife on the other wasn’t so lucky. She came to me in tears and told me that I shouldn’t take the job, but I stuck to my guns and said I was taking it - I couldn’t pass this up, plus I had told the person I would accept it. For a couple of days, there was nothing but a tense air about the house and my feelings were changing, but not very well. I was still on the fence, I could go either way, both thoughts felt good. I could take it and I felt good, or I give it up, and I felt good.

Then we talked it out (me and my wife). There have been only a handful of times in my life where I’ve felt so calm before, but as my wife cried her feelings out I tried to comfort her and what I said wasn’t what I thought I would say.

I said that I would let the job go, that even though this is a dream job, this isn’t the right path to go down. There’s something else for us whether it be be good or bad it’ll be alright. We’ve always been alright and the Lord will take care of us.

What I didn’t say was how much of weight was lifted off my shoulders as soon as I said it, and frankly as I write this I haven’t really thought of it that much. Before I was constantly thinking about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was making me sick that I wasn’t getting an answer and that my wife had. I really haven’t even thought about what I’ve given up, even on my long commute - I’m still happy.

While I never really did get a direct answer, I did get an answer. It didn’t come how I wanted it too, it came nonetheless. It was just a very quiet one, the volume knob must have been turned way down. I may never know why I shouldn’t have taken this job, but it doesn’t matter…

I am not someone who sets out to bash. I have had less than a handful of incidents where I felt that combative feeling come out when confronted with people who had views opposed to my LDS beliefs. And such feelings are always met with regret. One of the people was someone who I liked and had only recently starting teaching. He was not bashing but rather sharing another religion that he had considered and I think how they felt Saturday was the Lord’s Day. I made a snide remark about pork or something. I felt bad and apologized. Later, I would learn a lot more about a denomonation who considers Saturday to be the Lord’s Day and gain so much respect for them after watching their network.

I think bashing removes us from the humanity of the other person. While it may not have been bashing per say, I have an older friend who said that she told the missionaries knocking on her door that she was already saved. As an LDS missionary, I remember having conversations and feelings about this and sometimes they were not so kind. The missionary retorted in what she felt was a rude way that he was going to heaven too or something to that effect. This woman had been a friend of my family for years. My dad worked with her husband. We socialized as a family and they had a daughter my age. She is very religious. Family is so important to her. She has expressed such care for me though we don’t talk much. I was hurt for her.

Sometimes I think bashing comes from insecurity or thinking we have to prove things. God is able to do his own work. And in the end, faith is always required to have any religious belief as you cannot prove it. You can help people with concerns and often bring out facts or help with false information.

I recall seeing President Gordon B. Hinckley be interviewed by Larry King years ago. The interview went well. There was mention of something of the Church and blacks and the Priesthood. President Hinckley pretty much said that was the past and we needed to look at the Church’s current postion. I would have probably have given some long drawn out explanation.

There was a sister missionary who according to a mutual companion was the hardest working of all missionaries. She also had such a love for her pioneer ancestor who crawled during part of the stretch of her Pioneer journey. I think she had a strong testimony. When someone confronted her about a belief, I think that according to this mutual companion that she was calm and did tell them that was what we believed.

I also have a side of me that likes to argue and win at times. I have to keep it in check. Usually I am very noncombative. Sacred truths are not a sport. We need to share with love and concern with a person and love them. I have had a couple of well-meaning people get under my skin as they tried to discuss my beliefs. One man was clearly trying to show me the error of my ways. My heart was not as it should have been in those moments. If love goes out the door, the conversation needs to end. Period.