Helaman’s Army

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I have a love for hidden things and new discoveries that I think may stem from finding the Gospel through a friend and learning so many new teachings in a short span. I was such a sponge in the early days. I remember how attentive I was at Institute, which I started attending shortly before taking the missionary discussions and joining the Church.  I also think my mind was quickened in some ways as I seemed to be able to read the Scriptues including the Old and New Testament faster than I ever have. I think I read the Book of Mormon at a very fast pace then as well. That does not mean I absorbed everything in all of the standard works by any means. I was a special time to look back upon. There were so many teachings that were brand new to me such as living with Heavenly Father before I was born, the thousand year period after the Second Coming marked with peace for all but the end of that period according to my understanding of teachings.  The idea of Zion really caught hold in my heart and that may be a post in itself down the road. I would learn of three degrees of Glory.  Then, there is the Book of Mormon, modern prophets, and temples. There was so much to learn of the Restoration.

I remember the anticipation of going to my first General Conference. I did not know what to expect. I do not think I expected them to be in normal business suits but that may have been from the tradition of my former faith or how I expected them to look like apostles of old.  I have been a member for over twenty years now.  Many themes repeat in General Conference and in Sunday School and Relief Society.  I know that more truths more be revealed in my lifetime according to God’s timing. Although I have heard the basic talks, I do look forward to General Conference to this day.  Jesus taught in simple parables and that is often the way of today with parables or anecdotes to teach me. I know that we learn by repettition as well. When I was in grade school, I remember a priest telling us that we get out of Church what we put into it. I do believe it is my responsibility to prepare my heart for General Conference. When I was more spiritual, I really came away spiritually fed. I do feel blessed in recent years as I have noticed that I often hear thoughts that I have pondered around that time spoken at General Conference. I feel that may means that I am being taught by God what I need to know. Maybe others are given the same emphasis in their hearts and God has us on a teaching program. Although the Gospel can be rather simple, sometimes the most simple concepts can be deep for me to grasp even to this day. I learned from my earliest days in the Church that we need faith, hope, and Charity. President Uchtdorf spoke words about hope and its relationship to faith and charity that I will need to read again and hope to digest further.

I have really come to appreciate hearing the First Presidency and Apostles bear witness of Christ and the truths of the Restored Gospel as I know that they are special witnesses of Christ.  I also need to bask in the comfort and strength that is there for the offering at General Conferences. I am so thankful when the speakers leave us with their blessings. These are scary days and the need for consistency as well as comfort and as needed warnings from those inspired special witnesses is something that I not only look forward to but I long for. I could cast my mind on many things in this cyncial world and also things I read online even on some LDS sites that might drown out the message. Then, it would be my loss. I believe that you need to stay close to the center of the Church for safety. I hope to be true and obedient to all that is repeated over and over as well as the teachings that may come line upon line and precept upon precept.

One of the assignments in a high school religion class was to look at how your image of God has changed through the years. I have reflected on this in recent days and have tried to answer this question probably more fully than I did even in the years leading up to my original writing in high school while realizing the changes that have come to me in the years since my original writing.

I start now at the same place that I think I started in my assignment. I was a child and I think in First Grade. I was seated on the floor with my class while a Priest spoke with us. This was a rare visit. The Priest taught us that even if we were all alone and thought nobody knew what we were doing that God knew. I remember listening pretty intently and that the words had some effect on me and my earliest views of God as someone who knows everything. There are no secrets from God.

My belief in God in my grade school years revolved around God being the giver of what I wanted. I wanted him to perform a miracle to do my Math homework when I forgot my book and tried to bargain with him with such things as making my bed. The homework was undone by the sentence seemed light compared to what I feared. I hate to think of seeing God in the same light as Santa Claus. But in some ways that may have been my view. I recall once even praying to God to let Santa know what I wanted to Christmas.

In around fourth and fifth, I would rattle of the most shallow and short prayer. There was no foreshadowing of someone who would be spiritual in later years. In not so many words, I was basically asking to have good enough vision not to need glasses and to remain a child. I realize how worried my parents would have been if I were frozen in time in childhood as was my heart’s desire. I don’t recall praying for another during this period. It was all about me and not growing up. There was no real relationship with God. I didn’t even invite his help in other areas of my help nor do I think I was cable of that broad of thinking yet.

At my school, we would sometimes have a time when we could say confessions to a Priest. I remember praying on such a day in my youth with child-like faith in Church for my Grandma who had severe rheumotoid arthritius. Shortly afterwards, I learned that she was going to have a new treatment and I felt it was answers to my prayers. Later, I think I prayed for her again at Church during the time waiting or after seeing the Priest and shortly afterwards found out that the treatments that I think were not good were ended and I think I took this as an answer to prayer.

In high school, I was a rather troubled youth. Angst seems to have been coined for the very feelings of my youth. While I was not a wild child, I did have huge regrets regarding how I treated my mother. I felt like I was a monster. I don’t remember what I prayed about too much but I think wanting God to let me die was at the top of my list. Oh, I had depression too. There were a couple of times that I remember feeling good when praying. I did not know yet about the influence of the Holy Spirit. I felt a peace and knowing that God loved me who knew everything helped me. I still was just as troubled on a day to bases. Yet, I knew there were no secrets with God. He knew my every mistake. He still loved me.

After I became LDS, I conceptualized God as looking like Jesus. This was a little hard to get used to. The Doctrine that I lived with God before I was born and that he is the Father of my Spirit really made me feel more close to God. After receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt so blessed and so much peace. I felt so very loved. I would also learn that faith allowed me to do things that were contrary to my shy nature. I did not know faith could bring about change before and of the assistance and strength God could give to us.

Later, I would go through emotionally a lot of trials. I felt that I followed what God wanted me to do and it was so hard. It was the hardest thing in my life. And I felt so prepared to do what he wanted me to do. I viewed God as a tester. And I was so shaken up. I was afraid to ask for guidance as I didn’t want to be put to the test.

Now I see again the many ways God has blessed me. And he has brought me out of that darkness. I think I have regained feelings of friendship that I had towards God during my early years of being LDS at least to some degree.

I have also had to catch myself at times and realize that as wonderful as it is to have a relationship with God that He is really infinite and perfect. I read a good book on Catholic theology that spoke of how infinite God is recently. I felt such peace in my prayer that night. Knowing that God is so much more than I can comprehend gave me such feelings of reverence. The feelings of faith described in the book are much as I have experienced through the years starting when I was Catholic and continuing as an LDS person. God has been the same all along and has reached me at times through the years and guided me. At times, I feel God has guided me in spite of the many roadblocks that I create.

God is infinite. And being perfect and more than the smartest and wisest person on Earth, God still allows me to approach him as my Heavenly Father. I have heard of people that are so intelligent that they can’t relate to the common man. God can relate to me when I am simple and also when I think I am much more mature and contemplative. I think I need to learn more of my limits and how much of what I am is due to God allowing me to reach this point and carrying me. God is personal.

I don’t feel as though I completely understand the Atonement. Don’t get me wrong, I get the jist of it - but I feel like I’m missing pieces of it.

I looked up the Atonement under Gospel Topics on lds.org. There is a brief description of the atonement and some addtional links for other information. I chose to look at Church Magazine Articles to see if there were some talks out there that might help me understand it in a more plain fashion.

Reading that the Atonement is “the most difficult to understand”¹, or “it is impossible for me to put into words the full meaning”² of the Atonement is not exactly what I needed to see. I need it easy!

But I figure I’m going to have to read a lot, if I want to get to a better understanding of it. We can start with the basics of it and what it does for us.

The Bible Dictionary states “Atone describes the setting “at one” of those who have been estranged, and denotes the reconciliation of man to God. Sin is the cause of the estrangement, and therefore the purpose of atonement is to correct or overcome the consequences of sin.”³

If you look it up through Gospel Topics, it says this “As used in the scriptures, to atone is to suffer the penalty for sins, thereby removing the effects of sin from the repentant sinner and allowing him or her to be reconciled to God. Jesus Christ was the only one capable of carrying out the Atonement for all mankind. Because of His Atonement, all people will be resurrected, and those who obey His gospel will receive the gift of eternal life with God.”⁴

In essence, Jesus is our rescuer, and he stands in our place. He was the only one capable. Because He was born of a mortal mother [could die] and of an imortal Father [overcome death]. ⁵

I’m still missing something though and I think it has to do with sin and the effects there of. What I mean is, if we commit sin that removes us from God - the opposite of atone [at one]. As a mortal we can only do so much, repent and obey. To complete the process [what we can't do] Jesus atoned for us, enabling us to return [at one] to God. It’s our choice.

Gordon B. Hinckley explained it like this

“a one room school house in the mountains of Virginia where the boys were so rough no teacher had been able to handle them.

“Then one day an inexperienced young teacher applied. He was told that every teacher had received an awful beating, but the teacher accepted the risk. The first day of school the teacher asked the boys to establish their own rules and the penalty for breaking the rules. The class came up with 10 rules, which were written on the blackboard. Then the teacher asked, ‘What shall we do with one who breaks the rules?’

“ ‘Beat him across the back ten times without his coat on,’ came the response.

“A day or so later, … the lunch of a big student, named Tom, was stolen. ‘The thief was located—a little hungry fellow, about ten years old.’

“As Little Jim came up to take his licking, he pleaded to keep his coat on. ‘Take your coat off,’ the teacher said. ‘You helped make the rules!’

“The boy took off the coat. He had no shirt and revealed a bony little crippled body. As the teacher hesitated with the rod, Big Tom jumped to his feet and volunteered to take the boy’s licking.

“ ‘Very well, there is a certain law that one can become a substitute for another. Are you all agreed?’ the teacher asked.

“After five strokes across Tom’s back, the rod broke. The class was sobbing. ‘Little Jim had reached up and caught Tom with both arms around his neck. “Tom, I’m sorry that I stole your lunch, but I was awful hungry. Tom, I will love you till I die for taking my licking for me! Yes, I will love you forever!” ’⁶

In this parable, I would hazard a guess that in the great counsel in heaven we all agreed on the rules. God is the teacher, we are Little Jim and Jesus is Tom.  Jesus stepped in for us because as a mortal we can not bear the punishment alone.

I once asked a Stake President to help me understand the Atonement, and he went about it in an even simpler method taking his garbage can and putting it to the edge of his desk. Then telling me the items on his desk were our sins, wiped them into the garbage can. Back then I didn’t quite grasp that concept, I over thought it, but it makes sense. I can not forgive myself and be worthy to enter the Kingdom of Heaven - Jesus has got to help. He can take those red stains of sin and turn them white ⁷.

I understand now more so about why they counsel that it is hard to understand or to put into words the concept of the Atonement. There is a lot of pieces that are not known to me, suffice it to say that you keep digging deeper to learn as much as you can about it.

James E. Faust understood what was meant in Mosiah 4:6-7 when he said “Our salvation depends on believing in and accepting the Atonement.”

I’ll end this by saying that, I am not a LDS scholar, nor do I consider myself all that smart with the LDS Gospel. I’m trying to learn as much as I can, and so there may be errors in my thoughts. I’m not trying to pass anything off as official, but making sense of what I don’t understand. If you feel there are errors here, please let me know.