Helaman’s Army

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My three-year-old niece may have had her first experience with exclusion about a month ago. She was at a function for my brother-in-law’s dad’s Birthday celebration.  A group of siblings who are the children of my brother-in-law’s cousin  were playing 3 Ninjas. The middle child made it known that Brooke was not welcome.  “She’s not hurting anything; she’s just sitting here,” said my mom in an explanatory manner. Only a few weeks earlier this boy who I think is around eight had played nicely with Brooke at my brother-in-law’s parent’s home. And Brooke was so happy about this that she said something about him playing with her or talking with her. Now the stakes were different. The child may have been demonstrating the poor side of leadership ability. He has quite a personality according to my sister and when he leaves a park the parents and children all say good-bye to him. That is quite a presence! I know that around eight is the age of secret clubs and exclusion. He said that the Ninjas were all related. My mom said that Brooke was Brian(my brother-in-law) and Becky’s niece. He seemed to take it in. Brooke didn’t seem to be upset by all of this as far as my mom could tell. Having Grandma with her may have made it a “safe place.”

Grandmas can be such a safe place and can help keep harmony with the children. I remember hearing that my own grandma was heart sick when my cousins were not getting along during a visit. They were from two different families. My family was neutral territory and got along with both. When grown, my second oldest cousin would confess how she often picked on another cousin. I don’t think she let it known that she knew the real reason for grandma being upset. I just remember someone saying that we needed to pick up the downstairs and I think we all pitched in as we heard Grandma was sad. I think I learned from my mom later that Grandma was upset about fighting.

Teachers also can create that safe place. A guest speaker at one of my University classes for people studying Special Education said that children really are welcoming if you prepare them in the right way. She said with the proper training that a Prehistoric Reptile could sit at the desk of the children and that they would be comfortable. Her experience with mainstreaming had been that positive.  Children can be very catty and say mean things about those who are different in looks or even has a funny name. Children can also be very teachable. They have limited experience and I think that makes them so open to adults.  Props to all the Grandmas, teachers, and caregivers etc who make it a safer place for children to make friends.

One of the assignments in a high school religion class was to look at how your image of God has changed through the years. I have reflected on this in recent days and have tried to answer this question probably more fully than I did even in the years leading up to my original writing in high school while realizing the changes that have come to me in the years since my original writing.

I start now at the same place that I think I started in my assignment. I was a child and I think in First Grade. I was seated on the floor with my class while a Priest spoke with us. This was a rare visit. The Priest taught us that even if we were all alone and thought nobody knew what we were doing that God knew. I remember listening pretty intently and that the words had some effect on me and my earliest views of God as someone who knows everything. There are no secrets from God.

My belief in God in my grade school years revolved around God being the giver of what I wanted. I wanted him to perform a miracle to do my Math homework when I forgot my book and tried to bargain with him with such things as making my bed. The homework was undone by the sentence seemed light compared to what I feared. I hate to think of seeing God in the same light as Santa Claus. But in some ways that may have been my view. I recall once even praying to God to let Santa know what I wanted to Christmas.

In around fourth and fifth, I would rattle of the most shallow and short prayer. There was no foreshadowing of someone who would be spiritual in later years. In not so many words, I was basically asking to have good enough vision not to need glasses and to remain a child. I realize how worried my parents would have been if I were frozen in time in childhood as was my heart’s desire. I don’t recall praying for another during this period. It was all about me and not growing up. There was no real relationship with God. I didn’t even invite his help in other areas of my help nor do I think I was cable of that broad of thinking yet.

At my school, we would sometimes have a time when we could say confessions to a Priest. I remember praying on such a day in my youth with child-like faith in Church for my Grandma who had severe rheumotoid arthritius. Shortly afterwards, I learned that she was going to have a new treatment and I felt it was answers to my prayers. Later, I think I prayed for her again at Church during the time waiting or after seeing the Priest and shortly afterwards found out that the treatments that I think were not good were ended and I think I took this as an answer to prayer.

In high school, I was a rather troubled youth. Angst seems to have been coined for the very feelings of my youth. While I was not a wild child, I did have huge regrets regarding how I treated my mother. I felt like I was a monster. I don’t remember what I prayed about too much but I think wanting God to let me die was at the top of my list. Oh, I had depression too. There were a couple of times that I remember feeling good when praying. I did not know yet about the influence of the Holy Spirit. I felt a peace and knowing that God loved me who knew everything helped me. I still was just as troubled on a day to bases. Yet, I knew there were no secrets with God. He knew my every mistake. He still loved me.

After I became LDS, I conceptualized God as looking like Jesus. This was a little hard to get used to. The Doctrine that I lived with God before I was born and that he is the Father of my Spirit really made me feel more close to God. After receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt so blessed and so much peace. I felt so very loved. I would also learn that faith allowed me to do things that were contrary to my shy nature. I did not know faith could bring about change before and of the assistance and strength God could give to us.

Later, I would go through emotionally a lot of trials. I felt that I followed what God wanted me to do and it was so hard. It was the hardest thing in my life. And I felt so prepared to do what he wanted me to do. I viewed God as a tester. And I was so shaken up. I was afraid to ask for guidance as I didn’t want to be put to the test.

Now I see again the many ways God has blessed me. And he has brought me out of that darkness. I think I have regained feelings of friendship that I had towards God during my early years of being LDS at least to some degree.

I have also had to catch myself at times and realize that as wonderful as it is to have a relationship with God that He is really infinite and perfect. I read a good book on Catholic theology that spoke of how infinite God is recently. I felt such peace in my prayer that night. Knowing that God is so much more than I can comprehend gave me such feelings of reverence. The feelings of faith described in the book are much as I have experienced through the years starting when I was Catholic and continuing as an LDS person. God has been the same all along and has reached me at times through the years and guided me. At times, I feel God has guided me in spite of the many roadblocks that I create.

God is infinite. And being perfect and more than the smartest and wisest person on Earth, God still allows me to approach him as my Heavenly Father. I have heard of people that are so intelligent that they can’t relate to the common man. God can relate to me when I am simple and also when I think I am much more mature and contemplative. I think I need to learn more of my limits and how much of what I am is due to God allowing me to reach this point and carrying me. God is personal.