Helaman’s Army

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One of the assignments in a high school religion class was to look at how your image of God has changed through the years. I have reflected on this in recent days and have tried to answer this question probably more fully than I did even in the years leading up to my original writing in high school while realizing the changes that have come to me in the years since my original writing.

I start now at the same place that I think I started in my assignment. I was a child and I think in First Grade. I was seated on the floor with my class while a Priest spoke with us. This was a rare visit. The Priest taught us that even if we were all alone and thought nobody knew what we were doing that God knew. I remember listening pretty intently and that the words had some effect on me and my earliest views of God as someone who knows everything. There are no secrets from God.

My belief in God in my grade school years revolved around God being the giver of what I wanted. I wanted him to perform a miracle to do my Math homework when I forgot my book and tried to bargain with him with such things as making my bed. The homework was undone by the sentence seemed light compared to what I feared. I hate to think of seeing God in the same light as Santa Claus. But in some ways that may have been my view. I recall once even praying to God to let Santa know what I wanted to Christmas.

In around fourth and fifth, I would rattle of the most shallow and short prayer. There was no foreshadowing of someone who would be spiritual in later years. In not so many words, I was basically asking to have good enough vision not to need glasses and to remain a child. I realize how worried my parents would have been if I were frozen in time in childhood as was my heart’s desire. I don’t recall praying for another during this period. It was all about me and not growing up. There was no real relationship with God. I didn’t even invite his help in other areas of my help nor do I think I was cable of that broad of thinking yet.

At my school, we would sometimes have a time when we could say confessions to a Priest. I remember praying on such a day in my youth with child-like faith in Church for my Grandma who had severe rheumotoid arthritius. Shortly afterwards, I learned that she was going to have a new treatment and I felt it was answers to my prayers. Later, I think I prayed for her again at Church during the time waiting or after seeing the Priest and shortly afterwards found out that the treatments that I think were not good were ended and I think I took this as an answer to prayer.

In high school, I was a rather troubled youth. Angst seems to have been coined for the very feelings of my youth. While I was not a wild child, I did have huge regrets regarding how I treated my mother. I felt like I was a monster. I don’t remember what I prayed about too much but I think wanting God to let me die was at the top of my list. Oh, I had depression too. There were a couple of times that I remember feeling good when praying. I did not know yet about the influence of the Holy Spirit. I felt a peace and knowing that God loved me who knew everything helped me. I still was just as troubled on a day to bases. Yet, I knew there were no secrets with God. He knew my every mistake. He still loved me.

After I became LDS, I conceptualized God as looking like Jesus. This was a little hard to get used to. The Doctrine that I lived with God before I was born and that he is the Father of my Spirit really made me feel more close to God. After receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt so blessed and so much peace. I felt so very loved. I would also learn that faith allowed me to do things that were contrary to my shy nature. I did not know faith could bring about change before and of the assistance and strength God could give to us.

Later, I would go through emotionally a lot of trials. I felt that I followed what God wanted me to do and it was so hard. It was the hardest thing in my life. And I felt so prepared to do what he wanted me to do. I viewed God as a tester. And I was so shaken up. I was afraid to ask for guidance as I didn’t want to be put to the test.

Now I see again the many ways God has blessed me. And he has brought me out of that darkness. I think I have regained feelings of friendship that I had towards God during my early years of being LDS at least to some degree.

I have also had to catch myself at times and realize that as wonderful as it is to have a relationship with God that He is really infinite and perfect. I read a good book on Catholic theology that spoke of how infinite God is recently. I felt such peace in my prayer that night. Knowing that God is so much more than I can comprehend gave me such feelings of reverence. The feelings of faith described in the book are much as I have experienced through the years starting when I was Catholic and continuing as an LDS person. God has been the same all along and has reached me at times through the years and guided me. At times, I feel God has guided me in spite of the many roadblocks that I create.

God is infinite. And being perfect and more than the smartest and wisest person on Earth, God still allows me to approach him as my Heavenly Father. I have heard of people that are so intelligent that they can’t relate to the common man. God can relate to me when I am simple and also when I think I am much more mature and contemplative. I think I need to learn more of my limits and how much of what I am is due to God allowing me to reach this point and carrying me. God is personal.

I struggle with it. I have that problem where I’m not sure if it’s the Holy Ghost, or me saying something to me. But generally I can feel the right thing.

This past week, has been no exception, except for the fact it had to do with one of the biggest and hardest decision I have ever had to make.

Yes I consider knowing my wife was the right one for me [to marry] a big one too - but this one will effect me just about as much.

It was for a job. It doesn’t seem like much, but let me put it in perspective. I travel about 110 miles a day to work and back. I am out of my house 12 hours a day. I make just enough, but with gas prices climbing it’s getting harder and harder to stretch the money. To top things off, my health insurance is more like catastrophic coverage, so we don’t go to the doctor unless it’s an absolute emergency. No, I’m not trying to get your sympathy - I’m just giving out a bit of personal information.

Then a job literally falls into my lap. It’s more money, it’s less then a mile from home, it’s free insurance, better hours, more time off, just all around better. I would have to say that it is the most dreamy job anyone could want.

I can’t recall doing it before for any other job, they always seemed to just happen and I went with them, we’ve been blessed that they’ve been good enough jobs for the most part. But lately as we’ve grow stronger in our knowledge and love for the gospel we’ve leaned on it more and more. So we fasted and prayed about it.

I got a good feeling about it, but never really felt confident about my answer and swayed to optimistic side of thinking that this was perfect and a blessing for our family since we had been fasting and praying for a better job. My wife on the other wasn’t so lucky. She came to me in tears and told me that I shouldn’t take the job, but I stuck to my guns and said I was taking it - I couldn’t pass this up, plus I had told the person I would accept it. For a couple of days, there was nothing but a tense air about the house and my feelings were changing, but not very well. I was still on the fence, I could go either way, both thoughts felt good. I could take it and I felt good, or I give it up, and I felt good.

Then we talked it out (me and my wife). There have been only a handful of times in my life where I’ve felt so calm before, but as my wife cried her feelings out I tried to comfort her and what I said wasn’t what I thought I would say.

I said that I would let the job go, that even though this is a dream job, this isn’t the right path to go down. There’s something else for us whether it be be good or bad it’ll be alright. We’ve always been alright and the Lord will take care of us.

What I didn’t say was how much of weight was lifted off my shoulders as soon as I said it, and frankly as I write this I haven’t really thought of it that much. Before I was constantly thinking about it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was making me sick that I wasn’t getting an answer and that my wife had. I really haven’t even thought about what I’ve given up, even on my long commute - I’m still happy.

While I never really did get a direct answer, I did get an answer. It didn’t come how I wanted it too, it came nonetheless. It was just a very quiet one, the volume knob must have been turned way down. I may never know why I shouldn’t have taken this job, but it doesn’t matter…