Helaman’s Army

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I have a love for hidden things and new discoveries that I think may stem from finding the Gospel through a friend and learning so many new teachings in a short span. I was such a sponge in the early days. I remember how attentive I was at Institute, which I started attending shortly before taking the missionary discussions and joining the Church.  I also think my mind was quickened in some ways as I seemed to be able to read the Scriptues including the Old and New Testament faster than I ever have. I think I read the Book of Mormon at a very fast pace then as well. That does not mean I absorbed everything in all of the standard works by any means. I was a special time to look back upon. There were so many teachings that were brand new to me such as living with Heavenly Father before I was born, the thousand year period after the Second Coming marked with peace for all but the end of that period according to my understanding of teachings.  The idea of Zion really caught hold in my heart and that may be a post in itself down the road. I would learn of three degrees of Glory.  Then, there is the Book of Mormon, modern prophets, and temples. There was so much to learn of the Restoration.

I remember the anticipation of going to my first General Conference. I did not know what to expect. I do not think I expected them to be in normal business suits but that may have been from the tradition of my former faith or how I expected them to look like apostles of old.  I have been a member for over twenty years now.  Many themes repeat in General Conference and in Sunday School and Relief Society.  I know that more truths more be revealed in my lifetime according to God’s timing. Although I have heard the basic talks, I do look forward to General Conference to this day.  Jesus taught in simple parables and that is often the way of today with parables or anecdotes to teach me. I know that we learn by repettition as well. When I was in grade school, I remember a priest telling us that we get out of Church what we put into it. I do believe it is my responsibility to prepare my heart for General Conference. When I was more spiritual, I really came away spiritually fed. I do feel blessed in recent years as I have noticed that I often hear thoughts that I have pondered around that time spoken at General Conference. I feel that may means that I am being taught by God what I need to know. Maybe others are given the same emphasis in their hearts and God has us on a teaching program. Although the Gospel can be rather simple, sometimes the most simple concepts can be deep for me to grasp even to this day. I learned from my earliest days in the Church that we need faith, hope, and Charity. President Uchtdorf spoke words about hope and its relationship to faith and charity that I will need to read again and hope to digest further.

I have really come to appreciate hearing the First Presidency and Apostles bear witness of Christ and the truths of the Restored Gospel as I know that they are special witnesses of Christ.  I also need to bask in the comfort and strength that is there for the offering at General Conferences. I am so thankful when the speakers leave us with their blessings. These are scary days and the need for consistency as well as comfort and as needed warnings from those inspired special witnesses is something that I not only look forward to but I long for. I could cast my mind on many things in this cyncial world and also things I read online even on some LDS sites that might drown out the message. Then, it would be my loss. I believe that you need to stay close to the center of the Church for safety. I hope to be true and obedient to all that is repeated over and over as well as the teachings that may come line upon line and precept upon precept.

My three-year-old niece may have had her first experience with exclusion about a month ago. She was at a function for my brother-in-law’s dad’s Birthday celebration.  A group of siblings who are the children of my brother-in-law’s cousin  were playing 3 Ninjas. The middle child made it known that Brooke was not welcome.  “She’s not hurting anything; she’s just sitting here,” said my mom in an explanatory manner. Only a few weeks earlier this boy who I think is around eight had played nicely with Brooke at my brother-in-law’s parent’s home. And Brooke was so happy about this that she said something about him playing with her or talking with her. Now the stakes were different. The child may have been demonstrating the poor side of leadership ability. He has quite a personality according to my sister and when he leaves a park the parents and children all say good-bye to him. That is quite a presence! I know that around eight is the age of secret clubs and exclusion. He said that the Ninjas were all related. My mom said that Brooke was Brian(my brother-in-law) and Becky’s niece. He seemed to take it in. Brooke didn’t seem to be upset by all of this as far as my mom could tell. Having Grandma with her may have made it a “safe place.”

Grandmas can be such a safe place and can help keep harmony with the children. I remember hearing that my own grandma was heart sick when my cousins were not getting along during a visit. They were from two different families. My family was neutral territory and got along with both. When grown, my second oldest cousin would confess how she often picked on another cousin. I don’t think she let it known that she knew the real reason for grandma being upset. I just remember someone saying that we needed to pick up the downstairs and I think we all pitched in as we heard Grandma was sad. I think I learned from my mom later that Grandma was upset about fighting.

Teachers also can create that safe place. A guest speaker at one of my University classes for people studying Special Education said that children really are welcoming if you prepare them in the right way. She said with the proper training that a Prehistoric Reptile could sit at the desk of the children and that they would be comfortable. Her experience with mainstreaming had been that positive.  Children can be very catty and say mean things about those who are different in looks or even has a funny name. Children can also be very teachable. They have limited experience and I think that makes them so open to adults.  Props to all the Grandmas, teachers, and caregivers etc who make it a safer place for children to make friends.

I felt a surge of emotion that did not usually accompany me when I addressed the brothers and sisters in my Young Single Adult Sunday School and bore testimony of the need to reach out to less actives. I was also emotional thinking of a convert who had become activated. I knew she was so special as my calling brought me in contact with her. Though she was not attending Church actively when I first started calling her, she would read the Book of Mormon at work. That was such an example to me as I thought it meant that she was open. I was more shy about such things in public. After we took her to a Fireside, she became very active and there were some sisters that became very close to her and socialized a lot.

How could I convey to the brothers and sisters who had always known the Gospel how very badly people needed what we had? I looked out at those who I perceived to have come from good homes.  I think that the majority were here for Dental School and one for Medical School. There were local people here as well. I knew what I knew from the contrast in my life. I did have a faith from my youth that I treasured. I knew that the Restored Gospel had brought me such peace and closeness with God to a degree that I never experienced in the faith of my youth.  Those were blessed days for me in my relationship to Heavenly Father.

I do now believe that members can know how much they have been blessed even if they have not had the contrast in their own life.  I hope that I am getting the following correct as the mind can sometimes splice events together or confuse person and place.

There was an Elder in my mission who was very respected. Somebody posed a question to him as to whether he had been Spiritual prior to his mission. From his comments, I think that he had been blessed with God with the ability to be very spiritual but that he opted to live a more normal life and not be true to his gifts. He said on his mission that he realized how very much people needed the Gospel.

In my Institute class, there was a young man who I think at first thought it was presumptive or being a bother sharing the Gospel as a missionary. He too would have the awakening that people really need the Gospel.

I know life members can have their own conversion experiences.  And they can have trials as well. One of my missionary companions had nightmare experiences prior to her mission that I do not know if I could survive. She was very blessed with testimony.  I think that she said that she felt like she brought her testimony from heaven with her into this life. In speaking of those who are not members of the Church who have the Light of Christ and the blessings that can come from the Light of Christ, she said that they did not know what they were missing compared to the Gift of the Holy Ghost.

I can try to use all the words to teach about the blessings and not properly convey how very much the world needs the Gospel.  My heart has been so touched and my cup has run over with the joy that I have known since being baptized and confirmed a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My over-zealous friend who shared the Gospel with me later shared that he felt prompted that I needed the Gospel. I wasn’t even looking and didn’t even know what the Restored Gospel was even on a limited scale. He knew what the Gospel meant to him and he shared despite initial rejection on my part. I am so grateful for member missionaries and full-time missionaries. I give thanks for the Priesthood and those who are worthy Priesthood holders. I do know that I have been blessed.

One of the assignments in a high school religion class was to look at how your image of God has changed through the years. I have reflected on this in recent days and have tried to answer this question probably more fully than I did even in the years leading up to my original writing in high school while realizing the changes that have come to me in the years since my original writing.

I start now at the same place that I think I started in my assignment. I was a child and I think in First Grade. I was seated on the floor with my class while a Priest spoke with us. This was a rare visit. The Priest taught us that even if we were all alone and thought nobody knew what we were doing that God knew. I remember listening pretty intently and that the words had some effect on me and my earliest views of God as someone who knows everything. There are no secrets from God.

My belief in God in my grade school years revolved around God being the giver of what I wanted. I wanted him to perform a miracle to do my Math homework when I forgot my book and tried to bargain with him with such things as making my bed. The homework was undone by the sentence seemed light compared to what I feared. I hate to think of seeing God in the same light as Santa Claus. But in some ways that may have been my view. I recall once even praying to God to let Santa know what I wanted to Christmas.

In around fourth and fifth, I would rattle of the most shallow and short prayer. There was no foreshadowing of someone who would be spiritual in later years. In not so many words, I was basically asking to have good enough vision not to need glasses and to remain a child. I realize how worried my parents would have been if I were frozen in time in childhood as was my heart’s desire. I don’t recall praying for another during this period. It was all about me and not growing up. There was no real relationship with God. I didn’t even invite his help in other areas of my help nor do I think I was cable of that broad of thinking yet.

At my school, we would sometimes have a time when we could say confessions to a Priest. I remember praying on such a day in my youth with child-like faith in Church for my Grandma who had severe rheumotoid arthritius. Shortly afterwards, I learned that she was going to have a new treatment and I felt it was answers to my prayers. Later, I think I prayed for her again at Church during the time waiting or after seeing the Priest and shortly afterwards found out that the treatments that I think were not good were ended and I think I took this as an answer to prayer.

In high school, I was a rather troubled youth. Angst seems to have been coined for the very feelings of my youth. While I was not a wild child, I did have huge regrets regarding how I treated my mother. I felt like I was a monster. I don’t remember what I prayed about too much but I think wanting God to let me die was at the top of my list. Oh, I had depression too. There were a couple of times that I remember feeling good when praying. I did not know yet about the influence of the Holy Spirit. I felt a peace and knowing that God loved me who knew everything helped me. I still was just as troubled on a day to bases. Yet, I knew there were no secrets with God. He knew my every mistake. He still loved me.

After I became LDS, I conceptualized God as looking like Jesus. This was a little hard to get used to. The Doctrine that I lived with God before I was born and that he is the Father of my Spirit really made me feel more close to God. After receiving the Gift of the Holy Ghost, I felt so blessed and so much peace. I felt so very loved. I would also learn that faith allowed me to do things that were contrary to my shy nature. I did not know faith could bring about change before and of the assistance and strength God could give to us.

Later, I would go through emotionally a lot of trials. I felt that I followed what God wanted me to do and it was so hard. It was the hardest thing in my life. And I felt so prepared to do what he wanted me to do. I viewed God as a tester. And I was so shaken up. I was afraid to ask for guidance as I didn’t want to be put to the test.

Now I see again the many ways God has blessed me. And he has brought me out of that darkness. I think I have regained feelings of friendship that I had towards God during my early years of being LDS at least to some degree.

I have also had to catch myself at times and realize that as wonderful as it is to have a relationship with God that He is really infinite and perfect. I read a good book on Catholic theology that spoke of how infinite God is recently. I felt such peace in my prayer that night. Knowing that God is so much more than I can comprehend gave me such feelings of reverence. The feelings of faith described in the book are much as I have experienced through the years starting when I was Catholic and continuing as an LDS person. God has been the same all along and has reached me at times through the years and guided me. At times, I feel God has guided me in spite of the many roadblocks that I create.

God is infinite. And being perfect and more than the smartest and wisest person on Earth, God still allows me to approach him as my Heavenly Father. I have heard of people that are so intelligent that they can’t relate to the common man. God can relate to me when I am simple and also when I think I am much more mature and contemplative. I think I need to learn more of my limits and how much of what I am is due to God allowing me to reach this point and carrying me. God is personal.

I am not someone who sets out to bash. I have had less than a handful of incidents where I felt that combative feeling come out when confronted with people who had views opposed to my LDS beliefs. And such feelings are always met with regret. One of the people was someone who I liked and had only recently starting teaching. He was not bashing but rather sharing another religion that he had considered and I think how they felt Saturday was the Lord’s Day. I made a snide remark about pork or something. I felt bad and apologized. Later, I would learn a lot more about a denomonation who considers Saturday to be the Lord’s Day and gain so much respect for them after watching their network.

I think bashing removes us from the humanity of the other person. While it may not have been bashing per say, I have an older friend who said that she told the missionaries knocking on her door that she was already saved. As an LDS missionary, I remember having conversations and feelings about this and sometimes they were not so kind. The missionary retorted in what she felt was a rude way that he was going to heaven too or something to that effect. This woman had been a friend of my family for years. My dad worked with her husband. We socialized as a family and they had a daughter my age. She is very religious. Family is so important to her. She has expressed such care for me though we don’t talk much. I was hurt for her.

Sometimes I think bashing comes from insecurity or thinking we have to prove things. God is able to do his own work. And in the end, faith is always required to have any religious belief as you cannot prove it. You can help people with concerns and often bring out facts or help with false information.

I recall seeing President Gordon B. Hinckley be interviewed by Larry King years ago. The interview went well. There was mention of something of the Church and blacks and the Priesthood. President Hinckley pretty much said that was the past and we needed to look at the Church’s current postion. I would have probably have given some long drawn out explanation.

There was a sister missionary who according to a mutual companion was the hardest working of all missionaries. She also had such a love for her pioneer ancestor who crawled during part of the stretch of her Pioneer journey. I think she had a strong testimony. When someone confronted her about a belief, I think that according to this mutual companion that she was calm and did tell them that was what we believed.

I also have a side of me that likes to argue and win at times. I have to keep it in check. Usually I am very noncombative. Sacred truths are not a sport. We need to share with love and concern with a person and love them. I have had a couple of well-meaning people get under my skin as they tried to discuss my beliefs. One man was clearly trying to show me the error of my ways. My heart was not as it should have been in those moments. If love goes out the door, the conversation needs to end. Period.